On Being Stuck and Words Being Typed

Dear God, if you are up in heaven,

Please, give me words clear enough to match my thoughts.

Please give me a voice loud enough to communicate those words.

Please give me…

Unfinished note on my phone, date unknown.

Spending your day in bed makes your head spin in a weird manner. Add a cup of strong, dark tea to it and you get what I have – half sleeping, half waking, not being here, but not being there either.

Being stuck. How long have I been stuck? And where exactly? This is the question I have repeated and repeated in my head too many times. I am stuck. But how? Aren’t I about to leave? And yet, I am stuck. Too firmly so, stuck without a way out.

I am stuck in a circle. Not the routine, no. I am stuck in my head and in my words that go in circles. I play the words in my head, speak them aloud and they keep on telling the same story, full of misfortunes, laughter and the bittersweet feeling of unresolvement. And that is not even a proper word, see?

I am stuck in a place where I feel things, articulate them and I make them worse. I am afraid of speaking about my feelings. I am afraid of saying that I was hurt, that I did not really enjoy being left behind like that. I am afraid of admitting that I cared. That I do.

But it is not just the bad things that I am afraid of. No, I am equally uncomfortable about saying that yes, I cared, yes I enjoyed and wanted and yes, I want more. I might have loved, though I am not sure but what I know is that I could love in the future – I could love fully, with all my heart and all my body, without asking, without demanding. I could love and be plentiful and overflowing in the other person, in myself, in us.

But I can’t talk about it. I prefer not to ask questions. I prefer to smile and dismiss, to crack a joke, sip on my wine and say fuck it, I don’t care – gone and forgotten.

And really, nothing, or almost nothing is gone and forgotten. Because, in my circle of a head, I remember it all – details from the past and worst of all, words.

Words, words, words everywhere. Words here, being formed, being typed in front of me, coming right from my head into this blank space, filling the big void I have created myself. Because, isn’t it all in my head? I’d quote Harry Potter, but I will not – Rowling is hateful, she is a phoney.

Instead, I will quote Murakami: I can never say what I want to say., Naoko says in Norwegian Wod and there is nothing I understand better. She says things, explains herself but it is all wrong. She gets stuck.

“Talk to me, tell me,, are you good? Is this what you want?” I was silent. I was silent but overly happy. I sensed and felt and wanted to remember it all just as it was unfolding with me in it.

And I thought he would sense it. I believe he did but then, how can I be sure? I am the one demanding closures and conversations and yet, I am afraid of speaking. I hope my touch, my look my kiss will tell enough. But it won’t and nobody is to blame – words are not clear enough and how could a smile ever be?

So that is how I am stuck. Stuck between overhearing and keeping it all inside. Stuck between myself and others, stuck in laughter and theatrical performances. Stuck with drama and a cup of hot tea beside my bed.

And I am afraid of being alone. I always was. Probably always will be. And I will always be stuck in here, inside myself. Yet I am learning to open up, acknowledge and say it aloud:

“I am stuck because I am afraid of owning up I cared and was hurt.

I am afraid of going because I am dreading the loneliness.

Loneliness brings memories and the circle of my story starts anew.

I am bad with words I say but I am learning through words I write.

And I have a lot inside. I just want myself to be opened up, looked into and not left behind.

I want the abyss to stare back and say it is fine, we all are staring into darkness.”

I want to be touched, asked and waited for, before I let the answer leave my mouth. It takes me long but I am learning – words are taking shape in front of me and my head is spinning less.

I feel lighter. I feel like floating in the sea. And well, I love the sea.