Uprooted

Some days, you just burst into tears. The convulsions of your body are noiseless and should look a bit forced from the side. But you know they are not. You just need to get the salty water out.

Because no matter what you do, this is not your place. It does not warm your heart. It sends you into fits of laughter or shivers of joy, it gives you fountains of sorrow or plain heartbreak and yet, you have not learnt to love it.

You look out of the window and see the cross of an unfamiliar Jesus. He is preaching to you, sending you strangers in the street or whole families to take you in and yet you do not trust him. You know Jesus from your place, wooden, silent, never boastful, hanging from the cross with his head bent. You have learnt to trust that Jesus and he listens patiently, knowing you will never fully believe in him. He does not need your belief because he is part of you – Jesus from dim lit, chilly, strict but majestic churches of home.

This faith you do not understand. This way of life appalls you. Small talk, big supermarkets and even bigger alienation. They listen to your accent, they investigate your name. But they never know where you are from and what you brought with you.

And you can’t share. You try, you tell a story but at the end of the day you are alone. Alone in a flat you do not like to call home, with a person who lives there but does not live with you. You talk to friends and you are grateful they understand. But you constantly seek something. Something you lack, something you crave, something that will fill your head and heart and soul. Something, Anything.

So you drink and grow horny and complain. You complain and talk and use eloquent words to describe how you feel. You complain to your friends and they listen patiently. They sate your thirst for a while. You think you have the answer. You distract yourself. But then life hits and you are alone again.

You think. Think of happy times and fulness and joy and trust and warmth. You want to share yourself. You want to put yourself on the plate and serve it but you can’t. And you shouldn’t. Instead, you cry silent tears.

You hear water running and you avoid leaving your room. Someone you don’t know is taking a shower. Or washing dishes before taking a shower. Isn’t it strange? You don’t know the person you live with. You don’t know the person you work with. You don’t know the person you sleep with.

And yet you interact and you live and they live with you. Some of them even mean something to you.

Sometimes you think of time. More often, you think of context. You want to make sense of this, you want to belong and be calm. But mostly you feel the ground shaking beneath your feet. It shakes and shakes until it opens its mouth to swallow you.

And then you float.

It’s good you know how to swim. You lie on your back and let the cool water carry you. Your anchor is gone, your trust is cracked and you are afraid. But you are also free. Free to feel. You don’t owe them anything, This time is yours and yours alone.

So you float. And tears you cry taste like salt.

Hey, you’ve got to hide your love away! ანდა, არა

Not everyone has the luxury to get drunk on tarragon Chacha on a Tuesday night. But those of us who have it, those of us who can feel the spirit simmer on our cold-kissed cracked lips, burn as it goes down to our stomach, passing the heart and leaving the trace of warmth along the way – those of us with this luxury can sit down, let the Beatles sing to us and cry our heart out.

This one is going to be messy. I never knew crying to John Lennon’s slightly broken voice could be so liberating. I have to apologize for all the neglect I have given John recently. He is wonderful. Full of wonders.

ყველაფერი რომ მოვყვე, რასაც ვფიქრობ და რისი თქმაც მინდა, მერე ვეღარ ჩამოვალ. აი, წეღან ცრემლად რომ ვიღვრებოდი და ჯონი მაინც ჯიუტად მიმღეროდა, you’ve got to hide your love away-ო, მივხვდი, რომ აქამდეც კარგად ვიცოდი, რაც ხდება ჩემს თავს.

მე აქ უზომოდ შეყვარებული ჩამოვედი. ოღონდ, აქაურობაზე არა. არც ჩემს წარმატებაზე, არც ამერილულ ოცნებაზე შეყვარებული არ ვყოფილვარ. ვინმე მიყვარდა? კი, ეგეც იყო, აშკარად იყო, მიუხედავად იმისა, რომ ამ სიტყვების გამო მართლა აღარ შემესვლება სამეგობროში, მაგრამ მაგათმაც იციან რომ ეგრე იყო. ჩემზე ადრე იციან ხოლმე ყველაფერი. სანამ ვიტყვი, უკვე იციან, მერე მიღიმიან და არაუშავსო, მეუბნებიან.

იმას ვამბობდი, რომ მიყვრდა ის ადგილი, სადაც ვიყავი, იმიტომ რომ ჩემი ადგილი იყო და იქ უნდა ვყოფილიყავი. არაა ეხლა ეს აზრი დალაგებული, ვიცი. ვეღარ ვალაგებ, რაც ამერიკებში წამიღეს, მხოლოდ კოლუმბიაში მიმდინარე მოვლენებზე მილაგდება აზრები – დღეს ადგილობრივ ამინდზე, ვაქცინებზე და კონიფესტივალზე ვწერე, ძალიან მრავლისმომცემი იყო.

ჯონი კიდევ მღერის. ისე, თითქმის ვისწავლე, როგორ უნდა ვიცხოვრო აქ. აქაც მიყვარს რაღაცები, ეგრეც არ არის. უბრალოდ, გრძნობები შედარებითია. აი, ეხლა უკვე ვბოდავ. ისე, ილიამ თქვა, სადაც წახვალ, იქაური ქუდი დაიხურეო, ჰო? მოიტყუა. ბოდიში ილია, მაგრამ არა. სადაც წახვალ, შენი ჩიხტიკოპი წაიყოლეო – აჰა, ახალი ვერსია. (კაცების შემთცვევაში ფაფახიც წავა)

This is what happens when you get yourself drunk on your friend’s grandmothers homemade Chacha. You ramble in your Elvish-like language forget your manners, and declare your love. And you know what? You become free. Free to live here and now free to enjoy this, free to be free if it makes sense. Because you have reached a milestone. A drunk, virtual one but a milestone nonetheless – you spoke about your feelings in your Elvish-like language. And it took you many, many, many years and stories you wish you had told differently in the first place.

One thing worth mentioning? The Beatles were with you. And so was the flask of the magic poison which you brought all the way from home. You know why? Because wherever you go, you carry your home in your heart. And your love. And the Fab Four.

Goodnight. Or should I say good morning? The time difference is still beyond me.

On My Ithaca, Unedited

I can’t get him out of my head. Here I am miles, miles and miles away, trying too hard to read about mass communication theories and suddenly what I think about is his touch and the tea mug and the bottle opener and the guitar I am sure he will never play and the kitchen. What the hell.

They say time heals and so does distance. I say they both scare the shit out of you. Here I am miles, miles and miles away, knowing for sure that I will spend 2 years, or 24 months of my life here, knowing for sure that when I am back I will be 27 years old. And I am scared to death. Is this what I wanted? Hell no, it is not.

I am supposed to be reading and instead I am writing, while Brian Eno and John Cale sing to me. Did they go to foreign countries, torturing themselves and pretending that well, it’s fine, new adventure and other bullshit? No, but they were great. Listen to what they did – it is simply heavenly. It hits me every time.

Will time heal me? Will images of the past go away, will I be able to let go? Will I ever embrace my new life, be truly, really content? Will I belong?

I don’t think so. I know where I belong. I know where my Ithaca is. I left it behind, unwillingly but dutifully just like Odysseus did. I’d rather be in my bed as would he in his but we both left to war. His was bloody and mine is internal. It sometimes makes me cry, or laugh out loud, or write or sing. It has not made me rhyme yet but you’ll never know what’s coming, because. it has made me cook.

But has it made me happy? Not really. Wars rarely make you happy, if you are not the bloodthirsty king or on the winning side. But even on the winning side, you see casualties. You see death and misery and you can not kid yourself – there is no victory in war. There is loss and destruction and death. There is no life in war.

I am afraid. I am afraid that I will not live. I will study, I will walk, talk and laugh, I will write and some of it might even be good, but will I live? Will I live, knowing that my heart beats somewhere else? Can I be here, while I feel with my entire being that I am and ought to be somewhere else? Even in the empty lockdown, even in the bitter melancholy of February which I usually dread, I know I ought to be there. I ought to be home.

And yet I am here. In the dim-lit room, facing a mirror and polaroid memories of my real life. I chatter, I share words and feelings, even cuddles and Ophelia’s one night stands. Yes, I live here, I do things as weird as ever before, but I am not happy with it. I don’t see the thrill of it. I count days. Counting days means you are unhappy.

Did Odysseus count days? What did he feel in Calypso’s arms? Did his mind wander off to Penelope? Or did he sometimes feel fondness for this goddess before him? Fondness. I think that is something I will be learn with time – to be fond of this place, this life and this me, who does not even get called by her proper name. But is fondness enough?

I am scared, I am afraid and I am terrified. Not of failure but of time. The passage of time. I am terrified of coming back to a seemingly unchanged place to see myself changed, to see that I have potentially wasted my time, telling myself that I would grow, I would learn and better.

While in reality all I want is to hear cats meowing, church bells ringing and my friends sighing behind laughter about stories I tell them. I want my life. I want myself. my love, my loss, my joy my embarrassment, my growth, everything mine. I want my language and my name back. I want my Ithaca.

I will be back. That is the only comfort I have. I will be back but will my life? What if I come full of my past emotions, just to find that my past life has moved on? That there is no space for me, as it used to be? I dread change. I am happy with what I have, I am happy with my sloppy, clumsy story. And I want it to continue without holes in it. I don’t want these two years to be a hole in my life. A hole disguised as “life-changing experience” or “success story.”

I will talk about it more. About the complications I see in success stories we imagine. I am doing a great job, gaining experience but who defines what great job is for me? I will think about it more and I will say it out loud. For now my head is still filled with images, music and wine of a certain place. But I have to get back and research mass media. I have to be here and now. Even if I do not want to. Even if Ithaca is all I have ever wanted. Or will ever want.

I Sometimes Write Stories

***

When I first saw him, he was stark naked and a bit startled. Covered in dirt, with just a leafy branch to hide his bare flesh. Like a wild, scary animal he looked but there was something in his eyes that kept me from backing off. Inexplicable sadness, dwelling deep within his gaze, a silent plea of someone looking for a home. 

So I stayed, unlike my maids who ran screaming for the nearest bushes. I waited for his words. He did not approach me but addressed me from afar, thinking his nakedness might frighten me. And he spoke like a nobleman, like a poet. Glued to my spot I blurted out an answer and heard myself accepting his plea. 

My maids gave him clothes. Where was their fear now? All I could here was excited giggles. He bathed in the sea and covered his body. I looked at him as he came back. “Before he seemed to me uncouth, but now he is like the gods, who hold broad heaven.” I knew he would mean no harm to any of us.

That’s how I bought an unknown man to my father’s palace. A man with no name and nowhere to rest his head at night. There he was, breathtakingly handsome in his new robes, eating from the king’s table, drinking his wine.

He started to speak. He told a story of the war, a journey, sorrows, solitude wit and longing. He told a story of this world and that of beyond. The story of life and death. Before our eyes my unkempt stranger turned into a warrior king. The long lost ruler of Ithaca, son of Laertes, the crafty hero of Troy.

My father promised that he would send him home, back to his wife.

 “Farewell, stranger, and hereafter even in thy own native land mayest thou remember me, for to me first thou owest the price of thy life.”- I told him at the door-post.

” So may Zeus grant, the loud-thundering lord of Here, that I may reach my home and see the day of my returning. Then will I even there pray to thee as to a god all my days, for thou, maiden, hast given me life.”-he answered. 

Given him life. Indeed I have. I clothed him when his body was bare and fed him when he was hungry. I was the last ray of light in his darkness. 

And I flickered and I shone and showed him the way to his fulfillment. In return, I received gratitude. And a story to marvel at. A story where I could play my part, a fleeting appearance in someone else’s life.

‘Farewell stranger… to me first thou owest the price of thy life.” -was all I could say before completing my part. I bowed, quit the stage and retreated to my bedchamber. My maids were flocked around me as I took a mirror and studied my reflection in silence. Fair as Artemis, he had said. I smiled a smile of someone who knew a big secret.The reflection smiled back. There was a faint twinkle of sadness in our eyes.

“My name is Nausicaa “and I am the daughter of great-hearted Alcinous, upon whom depend the might and power of the Phaeacians.” -I recited, with no words leaving my mouth, my eyes fixed on those of the maiden in the mirror.

“My name is Nausicaa and one time I saved a stranger’s life.

My name is Nausicaa, Burner of Ships and I gave him a ship to sail home.

My name is Nausicaa and he parted from me, blessing me, instead of loving me.”

***

When I finally gathered all my courage to start this blog, fair haired Nausicaa popped up in my head. I have kept this draft here for too long, so why not. Let it see the light.

On Paul, Linda and Me

For me, love is summed up in 46 seconds.

La la la la la the lovely Linda,
With the lovely flowers in her hair

Paul McCartney sings in 1970 and we know he is saved. His homemade album, titled McCartney is the ode to Linda, the woman who pulled him out of the post-Beatles depression and gave him a reason to go on.

“Let me lie with my loved one tonight, I am home.” We hear in another song, as Linda joins in with harmonies. “Home” she says sweetly. They’re home. They are safe.

I have loved Paul and Linda since I saw their photograph from the late 60’s. Paul used to really love her, right until her death, my mum told me with some admiration. She wasn’t considered beautiful, some called her plain and unworthy of him, but it never mattered – they were in love.

As I grew older, this timid Linda changed before my eyes – there was a picture of her casually smoking weed with her husband, another one of her with a mullet and body hair. Linda, in her colorful stockings or a sweater that was too big for her, Linda with  animals. This woman was no doll or saint. She was herself and unapologetic at that. She rocked. After going through all the Beatles girls or girl names in their songs, I chose mine – Linda. In all my imaginary encounters with the Fab Four, I was her. A friend, a lover, a wife. I had my Paul and I was his Linda.

And then I grew even older. Paul’s appearances in my head became rare, it was quite crowded with other people, younger, more real but surely not cooler than him. His songs stayed. Songs written for and with Linda. Linda’s voice in the background or her singles with her on leads. Wherever I took the McCartney love, Linda was there, unapologetic and cool as ever.

The epiphany comes to me in a taxi. Paul isn’t playing, but Viktor Tsoi is. And it drowns on me that if anyone inspires my view of a strong, genuine woman it is Linda McCartney. Linda, who captured love on camera, who raised a family, campaigned for animals before it became a thing and sang in the band. Linda, who gave life to the lost man. Linda, who, after decades since her death still guides her husband and children.

“L is for Linda – Stella’s mother and forever muse, whose elevated yet effortless style and activist values are where our brand began and continue to influence our vision and direction.” Stella McCartney’s latest campaign reads. The picture is my desktop background. Linda, in it is wonderful. Almost 25 years old now, I realize how strong of an inspiration she has been all along. Her quirks helped me accept what was odd in me. Her ability to be herself in the limelight showed me how to navigate my my life. Linda, the ultimate freer.

“I want a Paul so I can be his Linda.” – I text my friend. Wasn’t it obvious all along? I seek the kind of love I have idealized – that between a lost man of immense, loud talent and an eerie, warm woman of immense but silent talent.

Bonus for anyone who reads this: Linda’s photographs, a world worth discovering.

On Being Stuck and Words Being Typed

Dear God, if you are up in heaven,

Please, give me words clear enough to match my thoughts.

Please give me a voice loud enough to communicate those words.

Please give me…

Unfinished note on my phone, date unknown.

Spending your day in bed makes your head spin in a weird manner. Add a cup of strong, dark tea to it and you get what I have – half sleeping, half waking, not being here, but not being there either.

Being stuck. How long have I been stuck? And where exactly? This is the question I have repeated and repeated in my head too many times. I am stuck. But how? Aren’t I about to leave? And yet, I am stuck. Too firmly so, stuck without a way out.

I am stuck in a circle. Not the routine, no. I am stuck in my head and in my words that go in circles. I play the words in my head, speak them aloud and they keep on telling the same story, full of misfortunes, laughter and the bittersweet feeling of unresolvement. And that is not even a proper word, see?

I am stuck in a place where I feel things, articulate them and I make them worse. I am afraid of speaking about my feelings. I am afraid of saying that I was hurt, that I did not really enjoy being left behind like that. I am afraid of admitting that I cared. That I do.

But it is not just the bad things that I am afraid of. No, I am equally uncomfortable about saying that yes, I cared, yes I enjoyed and wanted and yes, I want more. I might have loved, though I am not sure but what I know is that I could love in the future – I could love fully, with all my heart and all my body, without asking, without demanding. I could love and be plentiful and overflowing in the other person, in myself, in us.

But I can’t talk about it. I prefer not to ask questions. I prefer to smile and dismiss, to crack a joke, sip on my wine and say fuck it, I don’t care – gone and forgotten.

And really, nothing, or almost nothing is gone and forgotten. Because, in my circle of a head, I remember it all – details from the past and worst of all, words.

Words, words, words everywhere. Words here, being formed, being typed in front of me, coming right from my head into this blank space, filling the big void I have created myself. Because, isn’t it all in my head? I’d quote Harry Potter, but I will not – Rowling is hateful, she is a phoney.

Instead, I will quote Murakami: I can never say what I want to say., Naoko says in Norwegian Wod and there is nothing I understand better. She says things, explains herself but it is all wrong. She gets stuck.

“Talk to me, tell me,, are you good? Is this what you want?” I was silent. I was silent but overly happy. I sensed and felt and wanted to remember it all just as it was unfolding with me in it.

And I thought he would sense it. I believe he did but then, how can I be sure? I am the one demanding closures and conversations and yet, I am afraid of speaking. I hope my touch, my look my kiss will tell enough. But it won’t and nobody is to blame – words are not clear enough and how could a smile ever be?

So that is how I am stuck. Stuck between overhearing and keeping it all inside. Stuck between myself and others, stuck in laughter and theatrical performances. Stuck with drama and a cup of hot tea beside my bed.

And I am afraid of being alone. I always was. Probably always will be. And I will always be stuck in here, inside myself. Yet I am learning to open up, acknowledge and say it aloud:

“I am stuck because I am afraid of owning up I cared and was hurt.

I am afraid of going because I am dreading the loneliness.

Loneliness brings memories and the circle of my story starts anew.

I am bad with words I say but I am learning through words I write.

And I have a lot inside. I just want myself to be opened up, looked into and not left behind.

I want the abyss to stare back and say it is fine, we all are staring into darkness.”

I want to be touched, asked and waited for, before I let the answer leave my mouth. It takes me long but I am learning – words are taking shape in front of me and my head is spinning less.

I feel lighter. I feel like floating in the sea. And well, I love the sea.

On Things Planned and Unplanned

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans” 

                                

John Lennon

It all started with a candle and a dog with a funny name.

Funny names have been following us ever since: his fit for a lord, mine a nickname. 

There were songs and moments worth remembering: a light sway to Leonard Cohen’s Marianne, a long black coat around my shoulders; Johnny Cash and Dylan singing about North Country, me sitting there, him sitting near. 

“I don’t want to go out for a cigarette, I feel so very good where I am.”

Another song. I don’t remember it. All I have is the rhythm beaten out on my skin. His fingers sliding down my back. I know he liked me from the start. 

The morning. Me going downstairs, him waking up to mumble my name. A hug around the waist. We haven’t even kissed.

Just yet. The first ever kiss I give away on my own accord. A couple of times my mouth brushes against his face, I hesitate. We’ve been in bed for enough to make our friend uncomfortably aware of the spark. Or whatever it is. Anyways, she goes to brew some tea. 

I lower my lips onto his, it is laughable. We kiss, too much tongue, but it is alright. I try to be silent, there’s a friend brewing tea after all. We brush it off. We suppress a laugh in a kiss. And then another. And another.

It has been absurd, bizarre, call it what you want. I couldn’t possibly stay, I don’t have a toothbrush?! “Baby it’s Cold Outside,” my very own edition. He gets me the damn toothbrush, he really does. At 4 a.m. How sweet.

And the grapes? Dionysus in a bathrobe, surprising a nymph with a platter of grapes and morning vodka. Dionysus with crooked legs, lying in my bed. Or it is me lying in his. Somehow we are together. It is a slumber but still we are. And the bathrobe is gone.

The hangover, the smell and the walk? Coming back home and sleeping on a sofa? Drinking gallons of mineral water. There is music blaring, it’s violins, violins everywhere. Our heads hurt as we feed on hot dumplings. He buys cheap beer, I take a single sip. We take a picture at the trash-bin. We sleep on the sofa. Violins stop. The music is fine, more than fine, it is wonderful. 

I wake up from the slumber. I’m still on his chest. The friend is leaving, I’m trying to follow suit. I feel I have to but it is not what I want. Slight pressure keeps me where I am, there are almost  no words exchanged. The friend leaves, we barely say goodbye. I’m pinned to the sofa, I’m pinned to him.

I don’t remember when the music stops, but I remember the curtains being drawn, the neighbours are not supposed to watch. Maybe it is not right? We barely know each other. How many times have we met? Two, three?

We both want it but we are not sure how to do it. Or so it seems. We start, the start is always nice. Then I want to pee. Of course, I always want to pee. The mirror reflects me, I look fine. I’m not wearing anything. The plan was not like that. I wanted to be slow and neat and fabulous. I wanted to leave him wondering, leave him wanting more. 

Whatever, here I am in the bathroom and I am not wearing anything. The phone is ringing but I remain oblivious of the call, and the next one. And another 47 or so to follow.

It is a disaster of a sort. Here I am sitting across him, wondering what to do. I do a thing or two, he thinks it is wonderful.  I think we are not sure what we are doing.

It hurts. It hurts a lot and often. I don’t want it to hurt and I think he does not mean it. One last time and we stop. It hurts again. 

I stay curled up on his bed. He goes down for a drink. That weird-smelling vodka in a jar fit for a lord. I want a sip too. Everything hurts. It wasn’t planned like that.

Mum is yelling over the phone. Where the hell am I?! I’m fine mum, I’m just standing stark naked in someone’s kitchen while he is having a drink. Of course I am fine. 

I get dressed. As for the drink, maybe some other time. Do I look nice? He adjusts my trousers. Now I’m a lady. Was it a disaster? Oh my god, what if it was? Forget it, hangover fun, done and forgotten.

– Thank you. 

– No, thank you.

I walk down the stairs. A bunch of relatives walk up.

 I don’t look back, not until I have stepped out of the damn gate.

***

It wasn’t planned like that. But it happened just like that.

On How I Almost Became Toothless

I feel toothless, I feel useless, I feel insane

Courtney Barnett

My dentist never liked my jaw. I never liked her. I preferred the other one, he would joke around and make me feel at ease. He owned a giant collection of key chains and was friends with my dad. I am still fond of him.

But the lady, she was a disaster. Shrill and stern and made patients wait for hours. Everyone was scared of her. And she hated my jaw. It had moved way too forward, she insisted. Made me wear a headband to move it back. It hurt awfully. My sister was happy, I would not be able to chatter at night and keep her up, she reasoned. But it hurt awfully so I took it off. And then my jaw looked quite alright, I reasoned. It still does.

Her cabinet smelled weird but I liked it. The only thing I remotely liked about the place. It was the smell of that pink bubblegum thing they put into your mouth to get an imprint of your teeth. Then, according to that imprint they’d make your braces, those old-fashioned ones you could put in and out your mouth. She made me wear both of them, the whole set. I hated it, it made me spit and stutter. Not a pretty sight, not a pretty feeling. But my teeth looked much worse then my jaw so I had to comply. Year in year out I wore those mechanisms in my mouth, those ancient braces you had to adjust manually every third day or so. Turn a screw with a bowed pin. And God forbid if you mixed it up. It would hurt like hell and then you would have to go see her again.

One time she decided that my teeth did not fit into my mouth. Too many teeth, apparently. She’d been trying to “adjust the center” for years. I still don’t know what it meant but she never succeeded. Instead, she decided to pull out teeth that were one too many. “How will she chew?” My dad asked quite politely. She was friends with him as well, so they respected each other. A mere mortal of a patient would never dare to doubt her.

I would be fine, she said, she wasn’t pulling them all out, was she? Just a couple of teeth less would do me no harm. My dad hesitated. And I finally protested. Enough was enough, I needed my teeth.

I never saw the lady again and I don’t really miss her. I wonder sometimes though, if she still has those endless queues of patients. And if she is still shrill and nasty and scary. Does her cabinet still smell of that pink thing? I wonder. But then I look into the mirror and I don’t care anymore. I could have been toothless because of her. And most probably jawless as well.

Her braces went to the trash bin. So did the bowed pin used for adjusting them. My teeth? They are perfectly fine. I got new braces, modern ones that stick to your enamel and don’t go anywhere. No more spitting and stuttering, thank you very much. And my jaw looks perfectly fine to me. It still does.

The Bathtub Monologue


This black man 
Runs his fingers over a vile book,
And, twangling above me,
Like a sleepy monk over a corpse,
Reads a life
Of some drunken wretch,
Filling my heart with longing and despair…

Sergei Yesenin

I sit in the bathtub and my head is throbbing from the hangover. I feel water coming down my shoulders and watch it disappear down the drain. Yet another Saturday morning, yet another Friday night to wash down.

Funny how dirty a night out leaves you. Hair smelling of someone else’s cigarettes, the aftertaste of a kiss I did not really need and the overall stickiness that seems to remain on my body no matter how hard I scrub it.

The water is scalding, the room is baking hot. White glaze covers the mirror so it does not see me. I am all alone.

“You know what you want, ” – a complete stranger told me yesterday “that’s good.”

It was a scenario I am used to. Going out just for the hell of it and landing a pointless conversation that would occupy my mind the following day. Casual flirting with no consequences and another stranger who assumes he knows things about me.

And now I am sitting in my bathtub, trying desperately to wash it all away, promising myself to cut it out once and for all.

The water is still scalding.

I sit and think of things I do out of boredom. Or loneliness. Certain figures come to mind and stories I tell and artistic outbursts. Certain places. Laughter and tears, alcohol, drama and mirrors. This blog here, words in my head, songs on my playlist and a thousand other things I thought would never become part of me.

“You know what you want” a stranger said. Funny enough, I have no clue. I have no bloody clue.

I’m no longer washing myself, not really. Now it’s all about water burning on my skin.

I want to feel it right now, this searing sensation that will leave my legs red. Feel more, think less, that’s all I want for now. Let’s save reason for later.

I change my position and my thighs hurt. Bruises again. I look down, there are no blue spots visible, only dull pain. Water is coming down my back and disappearing in the drain. I feel it is getting colder.

I get up for the last quick rinse, then I step on the cold floor.

The room is still steaming as I reach for the towel. Then I open the door and the ritual’s over.

Another Saturday morning gone, another Friday night washed down.

Tale of Butterflies and the Sun (A spectacle)

Once upon a time, when the world was newer than it is today, butterflies lived longer and loved the scent of the sun on their butterfly skin. They were less shy and would fly up. up, above arches of clouds, where the sun would warm their butterfly hearts and paint their porcelain wings with unimaginable colors. Then they would come down, batting their sun-kissed wings, bestowing the colors on fields they inhabited. This is how flowers came into being: from the colors the sun gave to butterflies.

Now the world is exactly as old as we know it. The flowers are still here but the butterflies live less and have forgotten the scent of the sun on their butterfly skin. They do not fly up and up anymore, fearing the hot ball of heat will melt their fragile porcelain wings. They take the nectar away from fields and have nothing to give in return.

And in this word lives the little butterfly. Her wings are a powerful shade of blue lined with some occasional white. She is a rare beauty, more delicate than the finest china. Her fellow butterflies warn her about the yellow ball of heat up above, able to burn her porcelain wings to ashes. They warn her not to fly high, to stay where she is and behave like an orderly butterfly.

And you would expect her to do so, as fine as she is. Well, the trick is that she is not exactly like other butterflies around her. Maybe her wings shimmer a bit more as she flies through sun-kissed fields, gathering flower dust and letting it linger on her blue back. Then with a single bat of her wings she lets the dust fall in slim trickles of colors. She dresses the fields yellow, pink and violet, green, orange and red. Looking at her own spectacle her heart fills with laughter and a strange longing for the warm yellow ball of light up above.

Other butterflies don’t encourage her prolonged flights and dust collecting. Who could blame them, a butterfly’s life is too short to be spent on such nonsense. And besides, the yellow ball is known to be dangerous.

The little butterfly does not fret and spends most of her time alone, circling flowers, choosing colors, dreaming of the sun. And she loves the scent of the sun on her butterfly skin. She might be the only one still able to feel it.

“Nonsense, we don’t smell anything” she was told when she was a very young butterfly, trying so desperately to smell her own wings.

“But it smells like warmth and home” she insisted, “I think it is the sun doing it. look, look!”

The habit of reaching for her own wings on a particularly sunny day has stayed with her, making her a laughingstock among her butterfly friends.

Everyone laughs but she knows it was the sun doing so. Her butterfly heart tells her so. And she dreams of flying up, up one day, above the arches of clouds, right where the big yellow ball of light is. She dreams of seeing it in its all might, warming her butterfly heart and bestowing her with the biggest gift of them all, the gift of ultimate beauty.

She isn’t sure where these wild dreams come from, maybe from tales old grandma use to tell her about the forgotten days when the world was newer than it is today. But other butterflies tell her old grandma was a bit crazy, she tried to fly up to the sun and got her wings and head burnt. She does not believe them. She wishes old grandma was still around.

She flies alone, her head filled with tales of old grandma and her heart filled with the longing for the sun. She does not have many butterfly friends, but she enjoys the company of flowers. And yet she feels lonely. Quite often she wishes for a friend.

Days pass and turn into weeks. The little butterfly does not have a lot of time on her wings. But she is untroubled, flying and flying around, not worried about the amount of nectar she fails to collect.

One day, when she is too distracted with the yellow dust she has gathered from an unknown flower on a tree, she passes the familiar fields and ends up on a weedy meadow she has never seen before. The day is cloudless and there are no trees in the meadow, so it is all sunny. But there are no flowers either, just green leaves and weeds.

She sits on a leaf and looks around. Then she looks up: nothing gets in her way, she could go for the sun if she dared fly up…

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” A voice tells her and she flutters from the leaf, startled.

A butterfly flies opposite her, a pale greenish one, with a single red dot on his left wing.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you liked the sun” he said.

“Oh, yes, I do” she said “I like it very much”

“You are not from the wood, are you? We don’t have blue butterflies around here.”

She tells him where she is from. He in return speaks of the wood he lives in. The wood is full of tall trees so he sometimes comes here to the meadow to see the sky.

“And the sun, I love seeing it. And feeling how it roasts my wings a bit, giving them a shimmer of a sort. And” he pauses shyly-“Don’t laugh, but I love how the sun smells”.

“Like warmth and home on my butterfly skin” she responds with a dreamy look in her eyes. They both stop, surprised and look at each other as if for the first time. Then they break into laughter.

The whole day they sit in weeds, talking or just enjoying the lazy warmth. Then they fly home without a proper goodbye. After a couple of days each flies back to the meadow, secretly hoping for a meeting, sitting on weeds and enjoying the lazy warmth.

Days pass, turning into months as they sit around and talk of this world and others. Then they both feel they don’t have more months to spare. Happy at each other, happy at the shared secret of the sun they wordlessly decide to act, to put up a grand spectacle before their butterfly days are over.

It happens on a particularly hot spring day. It happens without prior arrangements, each butterfly following the rush of the heart, the rush of the wings, their hearts knowing exactly what to do. They meet at the meadow and fly up, up, above the arches of clouds. They feel the heat on their wings, they strain their butterfly bodies as they look at each other in resolve. They will do it, they will reach the sun.

They are in the clouds already, the while spongy mist engulfing them,suffocating them. making it difficult to see. But as if made from the single being they feel each other, the rhythm of their wings, the power of the sun leading them, burning them, empowering them.

With one last desperate breath they escape the clouds as one and see it before their eyes: scalding, burning, so merciless and so inviting. The big yellow sun in its full force glowing with light, blinding them, throwing dangerous sparks at their wings.

They fly together, with a single rhythm, with a single heartbeat and a single breath. The red dot burning on green wings, white lines melting on blue ones. They know this sweetness equals death, this majesty will burn them down. And yet they fly to it, united in the single desire to posses the sun, to posses the gift of ultimate beauty… They fly as the sun gleams ruthlessly, almost taking pleasure in the final sacrifice of two fragile butterflies: two beings forged into one, two beings wishing to have the smell of sunburn on their butterfly flesh. The sun greets them in its zenith, opening up her searing arms for one last embrace.

They are torched off, they are ablaze as they come down to the ground. Unable to use their wings anymore, unable to separate, turned into a single big ray of colors and light. And the world falls silent as they fall down. Ignited to their death they bestow the ultimate gift of beauty upon the weeds of their meadow. Trickles of unimaginable colors cover the ground, seeping through it, nurturing it, giving way to life of such might which the meadow has never seen before.

And the sun watches mercilessly as the sacrifice of two butterflies gives birth to new life on the ground: the meadow is covered in flowers and tress of inconceivable majesty smelling of warmth and home and the sun. The meadow turns into the last spectacle of light in the faded world: with the hues so fresh and poignant as in the days when the world was being born, the sun was all new and every single live being felt its warn scent on their live flesh.