On How I Almost Became Toothless

I feel toothless, I feel useless, I feel insane

Courtney Barnett

My dentist never liked my jaw. I never liked her. I preferred the other one, he would joke around and make me feel at ease. He owned a giant collection of key chains and was friends with my dad. I am still fond of him.

But the lady, she was a disaster. Shrill and stern and made patients wait for hours. Everyone was scared of her. And she hated my jaw. It had moved way too forward, she insisted. Made me wear a headband to move it back. It hurt awfully. My sister was happy, I would not be able to chatter at night and keep her up, she reasoned. But it hurt awfully so I took it off. And then my jaw looked quite alright, I reasoned. It still does.

Her cabinet smelled weird but I liked it. The only thing I remotely liked about the place. It was the smell of that pink bubblegum thing they put into your mouth to get an imprint of your teeth. Then, according to that imprint they’d make your braces, those old-fashioned ones you could put in and out your mouth. She made me wear both of them, the whole set. I hated it, it made me spit and stutter. Not a pretty sight, not a pretty feeling. But my teeth looked much worse then my jaw so I had to comply. Year in year out I wore those mechanisms in my mouth, those ancient braces you had to adjust manually every third day or so. Turn a screw with a bowed pin. And God forbid if you mixed it up. It would hurt like hell and then you would have to go see her again.

One time she decided that my teeth did not fit into my mouth. Too many teeth, apparently. She’d been trying to “adjust the center” for years. I still don’t know what it meant but she never succeeded. Instead, she decided to pull out teeth that were one too many. “How will she chew?” My dad asked quite politely. She was friends with him as well, so they respected each other. A mere mortal of a patient would never dare to doubt her.

I would be fine, she said, she wasn’t pulling them all out, was she? Just a couple of teeth less would do me no harm. My dad hesitated. And I finally protested. Enough was enough, I needed my teeth.

I never saw the lady again and I don’t really miss her. I wonder sometimes though, if she still has those endless queues of patients. And if she is still shrill and nasty and scary. Does her cabinet still smell of that pink thing? I wonder. But then I look into the mirror and I don’t care anymore. I could have been toothless because of her. And most probably jawless as well.

Her braces went to the trash bin. So did the bowed pin used for adjusting them. My teeth? They are perfectly fine. I got new braces, modern ones that stick to your enamel and don’t go anywhere. No more spitting and stuttering, thank you very much. And my jaw looks perfectly fine to me. It still does.

The Bathtub Monologue


This black man 
Runs his fingers over a vile book,
And, twangling above me,
Like a sleepy monk over a corpse,
Reads a life
Of some drunken wretch,
Filling my heart with longing and despair…

Sergei Yesenin

I sit in the bathtub and my head is throbbing from the hangover. I feel water coming down my shoulders and watch it disappear down the drain. Yet another Saturday morning, yet another Friday night to wash down.

Funny how dirty a night out leaves you. Hair smelling of someone else’s cigarettes, the aftertaste of a kiss I did not really need and the overall stickiness that seems to remain on my body no matter how hard I scrub it.

The water is scalding, the room is baking hot. White glaze covers the mirror so it does not see me. I am all alone.

“You know what you want, ” – a complete stranger told me yesterday “that’s good.”

It was a scenario I am used to. Going out just for the hell of it and landing a pointless conversation that would occupy my mind the following day. Casual flirting with no consequences and another stranger who assumes he knows things about me.

And now I am sitting in my bathtub, trying desperately to wash it all away, promising myself to cut it out once and for all.

The water is still scalding.

I sit and think of things I do out of boredom. Or loneliness. Certain figures come to mind and stories I tell and artistic outbursts. Certain places. Laughter and tears, alcohol, drama and mirrors. This blog here, words in my head, songs on my playlist and a thousand other things I thought would never become part of me.

“You know what you want” a stranger said. Funny enough, I have no clue. I have no bloody clue.

I’m no longer washing myself, not really. Now it’s all about water burning on my skin.

I want to feel it right now, this searing sensation that will leave my legs red. Feel more, think less, that’s all I want for now. Let’s save reason for later.

I change my position and my thighs hurt. Bruises again. I look down, there are no blue spots visible, only dull pain. Water is coming down my back and disappearing in the drain. I feel it is getting colder.

I get up for the last quick rinse, then I step on the cold floor.

The room is still steaming as I reach for the towel. Then I open the door and the ritual’s over.

Another Saturday morning gone, another Friday night washed down.

Tale of Butterflies and the Sun (A spectacle)

Once upon a time, when the world was newer than it is today, butterflies lived longer and loved the scent of the sun on their butterfly skin. They were less shy and would fly up. up, above arches of clouds, where the sun would warm their butterfly hearts and paint their porcelain wings with unimaginable colors. Then they would come down, batting their sun-kissed wings, bestowing the colors on fields they inhabited. This is how flowers came into being: from the colors the sun gave to butterflies.

Now the world is exactly as old as we know it. The flowers are still here but the butterflies live less and have forgotten the scent of the sun on their butterfly skin. They do not fly up and up anymore, fearing the hot ball of heat will melt their fragile porcelain wings. They take the nectar away from fields and have nothing to give in return.

And in this word lives the little butterfly. Her wings are a powerful shade of blue lined with some occasional white. She is a rare beauty, more delicate than the finest china. Her fellow butterflies warn her about the yellow ball of heat up above, able to burn her porcelain wings to ashes. They warn her not to fly high, to stay where she is and behave like an orderly butterfly.

And you would expect her to do so, as fine as she is. Well, the trick is that she is not exactly like other butterflies around her. Maybe her wings shimmer a bit more as she flies through sun-kissed fields, gathering flower dust and letting it linger on her blue back. Then with a single bat of her wings she lets the dust fall in slim trickles of colors. She dresses the fields yellow, pink and violet, green, orange and red. Looking at her own spectacle her heart fills with laughter and a strange longing for the warm yellow ball of light up above.

Other butterflies don’t encourage her prolonged flights and dust collecting. Who could blame them, a butterfly’s life is too short to be spent on such nonsense. And besides, the yellow ball is known to be dangerous.

The little butterfly does not fret and spends most of her time alone, circling flowers, choosing colors, dreaming of the sun. And she loves the scent of the sun on her butterfly skin. She might be the only one still able to feel it.

“Nonsense, we don’t smell anything” she was told when she was a very young butterfly, trying so desperately to smell her own wings.

“But it smells like warmth and home” she insisted, “I think it is the sun doing it. look, look!”

The habit of reaching for her own wings on a particularly sunny day has stayed with her, making her a laughingstock among her butterfly friends.

Everyone laughs but she knows it was the sun doing so. Her butterfly heart tells her so. And she dreams of flying up, up one day, above the arches of clouds, right where the big yellow ball of light is. She dreams of seeing it in its all might, warming her butterfly heart and bestowing her with the biggest gift of them all, the gift of ultimate beauty.

She isn’t sure where these wild dreams come from, maybe from tales old grandma use to tell her about the forgotten days when the world was newer than it is today. But other butterflies tell her old grandma was a bit crazy, she tried to fly up to the sun and got her wings and head burnt. She does not believe them. She wishes old grandma was still around.

She flies alone, her head filled with tales of old grandma and her heart filled with the longing for the sun. She does not have many butterfly friends, but she enjoys the company of flowers. And yet she feels lonely. Quite often she wishes for a friend.

Days pass and turn into weeks. The little butterfly does not have a lot of time on her wings. But she is untroubled, flying and flying around, not worried about the amount of nectar she fails to collect.

One day, when she is too distracted with the yellow dust she has gathered from an unknown flower on a tree, she passes the familiar fields and ends up on a weedy meadow she has never seen before. The day is cloudless and there are no trees in the meadow, so it is all sunny. But there are no flowers either, just green leaves and weeds.

She sits on a leaf and looks around. Then she looks up: nothing gets in her way, she could go for the sun if she dared fly up…

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” A voice tells her and she flutters from the leaf, startled.

A butterfly flies opposite her, a pale greenish one, with a single red dot on his left wing.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you liked the sun” he said.

“Oh, yes, I do” she said “I like it very much”

“You are not from the wood, are you? We don’t have blue butterflies around here.”

She tells him where she is from. He in return speaks of the wood he lives in. The wood is full of tall trees so he sometimes comes here to the meadow to see the sky.

“And the sun, I love seeing it. And feeling how it roasts my wings a bit, giving them a shimmer of a sort. And” he pauses shyly-“Don’t laugh, but I love how the sun smells”.

“Like warmth and home on my butterfly skin” she responds with a dreamy look in her eyes. They both stop, surprised and look at each other as if for the first time. Then they break into laughter.

The whole day they sit in weeds, talking or just enjoying the lazy warmth. Then they fly home without a proper goodbye. After a couple of days each flies back to the meadow, secretly hoping for a meeting, sitting on weeds and enjoying the lazy warmth.

Days pass, turning into months as they sit around and talk of this world and others. Then they both feel they don’t have more months to spare. Happy at each other, happy at the shared secret of the sun they wordlessly decide to act, to put up a grand spectacle before their butterfly days are over.

It happens on a particularly hot spring day. It happens without prior arrangements, each butterfly following the rush of the heart, the rush of the wings, their hearts knowing exactly what to do. They meet at the meadow and fly up, up, above the arches of clouds. They feel the heat on their wings, they strain their butterfly bodies as they look at each other in resolve. They will do it, they will reach the sun.

They are in the clouds already, the while spongy mist engulfing them,suffocating them. making it difficult to see. But as if made from the single being they feel each other, the rhythm of their wings, the power of the sun leading them, burning them, empowering them.

With one last desperate breath they escape the clouds as one and see it before their eyes: scalding, burning, so merciless and so inviting. The big yellow sun in its full force glowing with light, blinding them, throwing dangerous sparks at their wings.

They fly together, with a single rhythm, with a single heartbeat and a single breath. The red dot burning on green wings, white lines melting on blue ones. They know this sweetness equals death, this majesty will burn them down. And yet they fly to it, united in the single desire to posses the sun, to posses the gift of ultimate beauty… They fly as the sun gleams ruthlessly, almost taking pleasure in the final sacrifice of two fragile butterflies: two beings forged into one, two beings wishing to have the smell of sunburn on their butterfly flesh. The sun greets them in its zenith, opening up her searing arms for one last embrace.

They are torched off, they are ablaze as they come down to the ground. Unable to use their wings anymore, unable to separate, turned into a single big ray of colors and light. And the world falls silent as they fall down. Ignited to their death they bestow the ultimate gift of beauty upon the weeds of their meadow. Trickles of unimaginable colors cover the ground, seeping through it, nurturing it, giving way to life of such might which the meadow has never seen before.

And the sun watches mercilessly as the sacrifice of two butterflies gives birth to new life on the ground: the meadow is covered in flowers and tress of inconceivable majesty smelling of warmth and home and the sun. The meadow turns into the last spectacle of light in the faded world: with the hues so fresh and poignant as in the days when the world was being born, the sun was all new and every single live being felt its warn scent on their live flesh.

A dance for two: Netherfield Ball re-imagined


Mr. Darcy: Then what do you suggest, to encourage affection?
Elizabeth Bennet: Dancing, even if one’s partner is barely tolerable.

Pride and Prejudice (2005 Film)

The air was too hot in the poorly-lit room. She felt like disappearing. Too much muzak and too many people for a single night. She looked around distractedly, letting her mind wander. And for a second, she closed her eyes.

…When she opened them, the room was glittering, drowning in light. Music was blaring. She stumbled and almost fell down the high staircase she was standing on. Startled, she looked around. Her eyes adjusted and she could see how rays of light descended from marvelous chandeliers hanging high up on the ceiling. The hall was large, surrounded from each side with high arched windows. She took a cautious step down the staircase. Thank Heavens she was not wearing heels. She looked down at her dress, pale blue and quite transparent, like flowing water.  “Cinderella”-she chuckled  to herself, scanning the walls for a clock. “Maybe I should track time until midnight, just in case”.

As the stairs ended, she reached the hall, which was full of people. She moved around the main circle of dancers, looking at them, wondering if she knew anyone at all.  She found herself in the heart of a lively regency dance, too much like Netherfield Ball, she thought. She chuckled again, suddenly knowing what familiar faces to look for. And sure enough she saw them. First was Mr. Collins, small he may be but distinct, running after Lady De Bourgh.  She sensed there were too many Mr. Collins-es around, too proper and mediocre to be of any interest. This one here could have been Mrs. Bennet, chatting gaily about the beauty of her daughter, hoping to marry her off as richly as possible. Mary and Kitty and Lydia, lost and indistinguishable in the pool of faces. And this one, pretty, glowing with kindness, this one could have been Jane….

She walked around, lost in her thought, naming each and every person she laid her eyes on, coming up with stories to go with them. She walked and walked until, in her distraction, she almost bumped into him. She looked up, stopping herself just in time to avoid an embarrassing collision. 

-“Pardon me, Sir”-she said, suppressing the instinct of  courtsy in front of him. 

He looked at her with a faint smile. Looking back at him, she had a sense that she had seen this face before. 

“May I have the next dance?”-he asked, without minding her previous remark. 

“You may.’-she heard herself replying. 

And within minutes she was standing in line with other lovely maidens, holding her breath slightly, facing him, as dreamy as Mr, Darcy would be. She still had the vague feeling of having met him before. And she had a lingering notion of not being a good dancer at all. 

And yet, with the first bead of music she found herself following the steps lightly, knowing exactly what to do. Surprised, she approached the Darcy-like figure of her partner, stopping just a tiny bit too close to him and turning as gracefully as never before. Had she always possessed such lightness of foot? 

The dance was a beautiful one, slow enough but not too sustained, pulling partners apart and then back together, allowing stolen touches and borrowed intimacy. They danced and danced, without talking, allowing movements to say the words on their behalf. Bodies circling and circling each other, gazes catching slight glimpses of each other in the momentum. 

And as the music quickened its pace, so did their breath and their bodies. Turning and turning, she could not make out where she was. Light glimmered like tears in her eyes, breaking into a thousand pieces almost blinding her. Amid the chaos of dresses and faces she heard her own laughter, saw his eyes and locked her own with them. His hands led and supported her now as each turn grew quicker and quicker.  It felt like flying.

And then the music stopped. She sensed that he’d lifted her up for the last turn, probably breaking some rules of the regency dance. As other couples broke apart,he lowered her to the ground.

“What do you suggest to encourage affection?-he asked, still holding her as the hall grew full of giggles and small talk now.

“Dancing”-she replied, panting slightly-“Even if one’s partner is barely tolerable.”

“Trust me, I have had the fortune of dancing with the loveliest partner here in Netherfiled.”

Laughing at the compliment, she finally allowed herself to catch a breath. Still letting him hold her, she closed her eyes for a second. Her head was spinning. 

She opened her eyes. The air was too hot in the poorly-lit room. Her head was still spinning.  A bit startled, she looked up at the flickering lamp. Then, her eyes adjusted and her mind stopped wandering, 

“It must be midnight, miss Elizabeth’-she said a bit too loudly and got up to join the party. 

She approached the bar in the corner of the room.Someone was sipping wine beside her. She had the sudden impression of having seen him before. He looked at her with curiosity, a faint smile on his mouth and a little too familiar gleam in his eyes. 

“Well, tell me, what do you suggest to encourage affection?”-he asked without an introduction, as if they’d been old acquaintances. 

“Dancing”-she replied with a grin.

“Even if one’s partner is barely tolerable?”-he put the glass down, turning to face her, the faint smile still intact. 

She laughed a hearty laugh and sure enough,  performed the most ridiculous curtsy imaginable. 

“You may have the next dance.”-she heard herself saying as she tuned back to the heart of the room, holding her breath slightly, anticipating the first notes of music that would follow.  

Two strangers in a single bed: an improvisation

The dogs were still barking outside. 

-“For fuck’s sake , they’ve never been this noisy!”-he grunted and tried to go back to sleep. 

“Uh-huh”-she nodded, burying her head deeper into the pillow. 

Now the donkey joined in, to make it worse. They tried to drift off again, with  backs to each other, bodies barely touching under layers of thick blankets. The weary intimacy of two strangers in a single bed. 

The night was unusually bright. She could see where the blue paint had cracked on the wall, right above the old rusty oven that had kept them warm all day. Pieces of eaten fruit still rested on top of the oven. And a bowl of disgustingly sweet rice, all cold and sticky now.

He had trouble breathing. As if each inhalation caused him pain. He turned, facing the ceiling and took long, deep gulps of air.  The pain eased over time, he felt better but the involuntary twitching of his body remained. It would remain for the rest of the night. 

She twitched too. For a while now, she’d been suffering from hypnic jerks which would toss her awake right when the precious moment of unconsciousness was so close. She longed for that unconsciousness  in vain. This one would be a sleepless night. 

Some other time, some other place they could have been friends. As for here and now, they had nothing to offer each other.  Well, maybe some shared warmth to survive the cold. 

Their encounter was a deceiving one.  Just a physical representation of a soul’s rush  towards fulfillment. Another  futile attempt to satisfy inner thirst by drinking from someone else’s spring. They knew it now. Lying together with no words for each other they knew they would not see each other again. 

He turned around and pressed his face to her shoulder. She touched his hand, acknowledging his presence, feeling the familiar scent she could never name. There was nothing left to feel but this silent second of unison. Then came a twitch and they separated, each turning to their side of the bed, each facing their own sleepless night. 

The wind was howling mercilessly, banging on the windows, trying to break in, threatening to sweep the small room away, threatening to hurt, to wreck,  to destroy. 

But there was nothing left to destroy. The dogs were silent now and they tried to drift off at last, with  backs to each other, bodies barely touching under layers of thick blankets. The weary intimacy of two strangers in a single bed.